Beyond Heartbreak

That moment when all goes from reaching the sky to plummeting below ground.

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Too fuckin’ long

without sex 😦

that is just plain wrong on so many levels. I wanna be somebody’s plaything. Like, NOW. Whether BDSM or not.

Dark? Nah, Pitch Fucking Black Place

whatever happened to the little ray of light, almost transparent silver lining?

after hope is lost, is there anything (positive) left?

this. is. too. much. pain. and. darkness. for. an. insignificant. nuisance. like. me.

— knock, knock: mania, where r u?—

have u ever lied for so long and well that ur truth shifted? wish mine did. but no.

like a worn out actress i’m stuck with a role i played for long but no longer feel.

but i guess i would rather play my role than be myself. my role can entertain. real me, not.

but i have a bias against me so does my opinion even count? yeah, thought so (whatever u thought).

Image

 

i didn’t ask nor want this. i’m desperate. i hurt. too many voices in my head drown my screams. i work soon. in other words, i’m fucked and not nearly remotely similar to the way i would like.

There is no fixing me

I am this way, my brain can’t be undone. A dose of hope diluted in a bottle of cope.Take twice daily. Best of luck.

I’m left to my own tears in a place I can’t call home. Time and time again, with each effort I have let me go.  Sad realization…

IF

I could just feel better. Is that too fucking much to ask? What if I ask nicely and say please? In fact, I would settle for not feeling worse than I do right now. Is that possible? IF someone believed in me I could’ve been better. I am but a faint shadow of who I thought I was.

 

Where did my REAL smile go?

I have realized they have become all REHEARSED. I’ve always had to PERFORM and FAKE smiles. However, it has all become too much of a FACADE. You can tell if you look at photos through the years, or if you truly know me. But since I rarely allow that to happen, I guess my rehearsed smiles suffice enough for my acting role.

However, I still ask myself, WHERE did it go? In fact, where DID I go? It seems a black hole took hold of me late 2008. Inevitably it destroyed me. I still SEEK me, I try to PERFORM my role. But I just can’t. In other words, I have figured I LOST ME somewhere in that bipolar “mixed episode” that turned me from Rapid (months) to Ultradian cycler (hours). Now I can space out to Ultra Rapid (days) cycling at times. The highs usually hint at how low I’m gonna go. I’ve learned to catch signs of where I’m headed, to turn down the volume of the voices in my head. But this encompasses EVERYTHING, not just mood.

Some say such states don’t exist. I don’t wish this curse on anyone, but to all those assholes I would invite to spend one day in my fucking head. In fact, I would invite my doctor, and anyone that diminishes my efforts, or thinks I overreact on purpose. Just one day in my head… But that little fantasy won’t happen, I’m bipolar and I haven’t responded to treatment and I’m stuck with it and apparently my SMILE along with MY PERSON aren’t anywhere to be found.

-Cries- A lot-Wonders if she can calm down to go to work-

Ms. Letter D and Hypersexuality

Because I never say no to sex, and lust pours out of me, regardless of which letter I’m at. Refer to Wave Graph at the very bottom post (Untitled-Fuck). Of course, letters A & B are more fun. But D and E aren’t far behind.

I don’t mention C because I’ve not had that one happen. It’s usually seen in psych wards. Not one of my hangouts.

Because sex is the only true peace I get…. I know, not exactly where most people seek spiritual wisdom. And no, it doesn’t mean I have fucked a lot of people, or would fuck any guy that offers. Or would offer it to any guy either.

And no, I don’t give a fuck about your opinion. How sweet of me…