Beyond Heartbreak

That moment when all goes from reaching the sky to plummeting below ground.

Too fuckin’ long

without sex 😦

that is just plain wrong on so many levels. I wanna be somebody’s plaything. Like, NOW. Whether BDSM or not.

Dark? Nah, Pitch Fucking Black Place

whatever happened to the little ray of light, almost transparent silver lining?

after hope is lost, is there anything (positive) left?

this. is. too. much. pain. and. darkness. for. an. insignificant. nuisance. like. me.

— knock, knock: mania, where r u?—

have u ever lied for so long and well that ur truth shifted? wish mine did. but no.

like a worn out actress i’m stuck with a role i played for long but no longer feel.

but i guess i would rather play my role than be myself. my role can entertain. real me, not.

but i have a bias against me so does my opinion even count? yeah, thought so (whatever u thought).

 

i didn’t ask nor want this. i’m desperate. i hurt. too many voices in my head drown my screams. i work soon. in other words, i’m fucked and not nearly remotely similar to the way i would like.

There is no fixing me

I am this way, my brain can’t be undone. A dose of hope diluted in a bottle of cope.Take twice daily. Best of luck.

I’m left to my own tears in a place I can’t call home. Time and time again, with each effort I have let me go.  Sad realization…

IF

I could just feel better. Is that too fucking much to ask? What if I ask nicely and say please? In fact, I would settle for not feeling worse than I do right now. Is that possible? IF someone believed in me I could’ve been better. I am but a faint shadow of who I thought I was.

 

Where did my REAL smile go?

I have realized they have become all REHEARSED. I’ve always had to PERFORM and FAKE smiles. However, it has all become too much of a FACADE. You can tell if you look at photos through the years, or if you truly know me. But since I rarely allow that to happen, I guess my rehearsed smiles suffice enough for my acting role.

However, I still ask myself, WHERE did it go? In fact, where DID I go? It seems a black hole took hold of me late 2008. Inevitably it destroyed me. I still SEEK me, I try to PERFORM my role. But I just can’t. In other words, I have figured I LOST ME somewhere in that bipolar “mixed episode” that turned me from Rapid (months) to Ultradian cycler (hours). Now I can space out to Ultra Rapid (days) cycling at times. The highs usually hint at how low I’m gonna go. I’ve learned to catch signs of where I’m headed, to turn down the volume of the voices in my head. But this encompasses EVERYTHING, not just mood.

Some say such states don’t exist. I don’t wish this curse on anyone, but to all those assholes I would invite to spend one day in my fucking head. In fact, I would invite my doctor, and anyone that diminishes my efforts, or thinks I overreact on purpose. Just one day in my head… But that little fantasy won’t happen, I’m bipolar and I haven’t responded to treatment and I’m stuck with it and apparently my SMILE along with MY PERSON aren’t anywhere to be found.

-Cries- A lot-Wonders if she can calm down to go to work-

Ms. Letter D and Hypersexuality

Because I never say no to sex, and lust pours out of me, regardless of which letter I’m at. Refer to Wave Graph at the very bottom post (Untitled-Fuck). Of course, letters A & B are more fun. But D and E aren’t far behind.

I don’t mention C because I’ve not had that one happen. It’s usually seen in psych wards. Not one of my hangouts.

Because sex is the only true peace I get…. I know, not exactly where most people seek spiritual wisdom. And no, it doesn’t mean I have fucked a lot of people, or would fuck any guy that offers. Or would offer it to any guy either.

And no, I don’t give a fuck about your opinion. How sweet of me…

Empty Vessel

Appetite and nourishment long gone

In starvation I purify as I self destruct

My body nothing but an empty vessel

For the horrors by which I’m possessed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A portion of Self Portrait #34

I HURT!!!!

I feel so useless, lost, fading in the background of my oh too very many frantic thoughts.

Unloved by nature, nurtured enough to live the charade. Not strong enough to hold up.

Wishing.I.had.a.friend.to.soothe.me.now.that.I’m.crying.so.alone.

in.the.dark.chambers.of.my.mind.hidden.from.view.so.afraid.of.this.ugly.truth.

One More Step

painfully pinning me to the ground. Oh joy. Not.

 

-I’ve got to stop blinking in the face of my fear. I must hear what I scream. I must remember what I dream.-

Mark Z. Danielewski

Nightmare

Oh how I wish to be able to ESCAPE this nightmare that has stolen my body and damaged my brain… I laugh on the outside, scream on the inside, I trip and fall while my body is anchored in the roots of inertia….. Ugh, where is my soothing, friendly enemy Hypomania?

 

Some EXIT route road signs and maps…

http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/BipolarAdvantage

 

P.S. No speed in this realm will be fast enough to expedite my escape. Words fail to depict or describe the torture chamber that is truly my head. Not enough water in this hell will suffice to strip my fears and wash my sins away.

My broken humanity…

… is free- falling, with its many colorful, sharp shards ripping open several wounds in my pocket of time-space.

Warped sense of reality becoming overwhelmingly too far from unreal.

Funny how people believe my laughter, even when I mention I’m not in a fun mindset. Or talk, or smile. At all.

AFTERMATH -SIGHS- WALLS

How do u redeem ur sanity to the one person willing to care? I don’t know how, and I wonder how downhill my rabbit is inside its hole. No turning back from the monster that is undoing my frail humanity.

Truth is I hide behind laughter, I build ever shifting walls, so pretty. Then it falls apart in a million colorful pieces. The echo of my own voice is eerie, erotic and horrifying all the same.  I recently committed graduate study suicide and aborted my unborn career.

People hurt me since forever so I learned to avoid. I was forbidden to have a voice I didn’t know I needed or had, so I choked it. I grew, I overcame. But when my illness took over, it became too much and I found me stuck between my shifting walls, pushed and hit from side to side.

I AM AFFLICTED BY ULTRA-RAPID and ULTRADIAN CYCLES OF HYPOMANIA, DEPRESSION AND MIXED STATES, among other things. It’s far worse than it sounds.

I respond to unknown triggers with or without warning, and my overall behavior is erratic or inconsistent. I am lonelier than is healthy for anyone alive or dead. I wonder if I deserve it for my inadequacy as a person since birth. I am hypersexual all the time and mostly funny as well. My mind is almost as open as it is fucked up, and I enjoy music. I still write and used to sing, I somewhat played guitar @ one point. I was once decisive yet have lost all aim. I’m intelligent 97.85% of the time and I’m not used to genuine kindness.

WHO WOULD WANT TO GET CLOSE TO ME? WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME, PUSH ME, OR PULL ME BACK AS NEEDED? AND NOT FREAK OUT WHEN I BREAK? I know who, a figment of my delusional imagination. I hope I’m wrong on this. Indeed.

Shhh…. Behind the madness, I’m the most amazing DIVINE SEX TEMPTRESS/ OBEDIENT SUBMISSIVE SLAVE ever!

Hyperpowerfall

A high so intense, it’s light now is blinding my sight in the darkness…

Landmark

A rediscovered landmark of LOW, scoring below zero from 1 to 10.

Time dissolves, EMPTY space exposed

Sapphire Disclaimer/Rule and Being Pathetic

Yeah, SAPPHIRE. Not Black, Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, or Titanium.

Here it goes:

Any combinations of letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, images or sounds on here is FOR ME.  My mind is too crowded to care about any feedback or judgment except mine because I’m trying to find alternate ways to better myself ON MY OWN. At the end of the day I CANT ESCAPE ME, good or bad, in unequal ratios.

I don’t want your advice UNLESS I ASK FOR IT. I’m overwhelmed enough as it is. I can’t subtract people from my life because there are almost none any and I can’t really add (people) at the moment, which is something I’m working on. I forgot somewhere along the way WHO I WAS or maybe still am? Even more so, I forgot what that person would behave like, although I get hints now and then.

*********************

I (STILL) HATE MYSELF and I thought I had gotten over that. Really.

I AM A FAILURE. Whatever happened to that successful woman… Oh that’s right, she killed it.

I AM LONELY. I AM DUMB. I AM PATHETIC, MISERABLE, AND HOPELESS.

THERE IS NOTHING but tears in my eyes, streaming down for hours, filling my void until I drown in them.

I need to go to sleep but can’t. NOT SLEEPY. In fact, I work in a few hrs, fabulous.

Untitled- Fffffffffuck!!!!!! to be more accurate

After spending over 1 hr writing on here, it all got erased! Oh, and of course, I lost my creative edge by now and have to get outta here to get ready for work. Ugh. Fabulous.

Well, here is something worth sharing if you’re curious:

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Waves.htm

Not the most up to date info, but the best resource I’ve found to better understand my mood variations. It was introduced by my doctor back in late 2008 when I thought I was going insane because I couldn’t find ANYTHING AT ALL that described what i was going through. Remotely.

Lesson learned in 2008 and then relearned in 2010 and a note to self: Beware of leaving medication and not seeing your therapist on ur own. It has irreparable consequences.

I feel like shitty special. My body has registered my lack of sleep, and the fact I’ve been very physically sick. Result of that: PAIN!!!!!! Mood wise, I’m depressed but very energetic while being severely unmotivated. I have no appetite whatsoever but my body just registered I haven’t eaten since… sometime yesterday. Whoohoo! Awesome. Ugh. But I feel a switch coming, I just don’t know where I’m headed, lol.

That’s it. For now.

Hello Universe…

I’m a highly functional insane lady. Really, although how high function is defined I have no clue. I have an empowering weakening condition that makes me wonder if I’m just a humanoid specimen with fluctuating value, sort of always struggling to be human… Often being below or above it, not knowing why or how. Impaired at random too. Sad, sexy, fun: Balancing uneven weight as I walk the skies of life wearing sinful pointy black stilettos .