AFTERMATH -SIGHS- WALLS

How do u redeem ur sanity to the one person willing to care? I don’t know how, and I wonder how downhill my rabbit is inside its hole. No turning back from the monster that is undoing my frail humanity.

Truth is I hide behind laughter, I build ever shifting walls, so pretty. Then it falls apart in a million colorful pieces. The echo of my own voice is eerie, erotic and horrifying all the same.  I recently committed graduate study suicide and aborted my unborn career.

People hurt me since forever so I learned to avoid. I was forbidden to have a voice I didn’t know I needed or had, so I choked it. I grew, I overcame. But when my illness took over, it became too much and I found me stuck between my shifting walls, pushed and hit from side to side.

I AM AFFLICTED BY ULTRA-RAPID and ULTRADIAN CYCLES OF HYPOMANIA, DEPRESSION AND MIXED STATES, among other things. It’s far worse than it sounds.

I respond to unknown triggers with or without warning, and my overall behavior is erratic or inconsistent. I am lonelier than is healthy for anyone alive or dead. I wonder if I deserve it for my inadequacy as a person since birth. I am hypersexual all the time and mostly funny as well. My mind is almost as open as it is fucked up, and I enjoy music. I still write and used to sing, I somewhat played guitar @ one point. I was once decisive yet have lost all aim. I’m intelligent 97.85% of the time and I’m not used to genuine kindness.

WHO WOULD WANT TO GET CLOSE TO ME? WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME, PUSH ME, OR PULL ME BACK AS NEEDED? AND NOT FREAK OUT WHEN I BREAK? I know who, a figment of my delusional imagination. I hope I’m wrong on this. Indeed.

Shhh…. Behind the madness, I’m the most amazing DIVINE SEX TEMPTRESS/ OBEDIENT SUBMISSIVE SLAVE ever!

Advertisements