I have realized they have become all REHEARSED. I’ve always had to PERFORM and FAKE smiles. However, it has all become too much of a FACADE. You can tell if you look at photos through the years, or if you truly know me. But since I rarely allow that to happen, I guess my rehearsed smiles suffice enough for my acting role.
However, I still ask myself, WHERE did it go? In fact, where DID I go? It seems a black hole took hold of me late 2008. Inevitably it destroyed me. I still SEEK me, I try to PERFORM my role. But I just can’t. In other words, I have figured I LOST ME somewhere in that bipolar “mixed episode” that turned me from Rapid (months) to Ultradian cycler (hours). Now I can space out to Ultra Rapid (days) cycling at times. The highs usually hint at how low I’m gonna go. I’ve learned to catch signs of where I’m headed, to turn down the volume of the voices in my head. But this encompasses EVERYTHING, not just mood.
Some say such states don’t exist. I don’t wish this curse on anyone, but to all those assholes I would invite to spend one day in my fucking head. In fact, I would invite my doctor, and anyone that diminishes my efforts, or thinks I overreact on purpose. Just one day in my head… But that little fantasy won’t happen, I’m bipolar and I haven’t responded to treatment and I’m stuck with it and apparently my SMILE along with MY PERSON aren’t anywhere to be found.
-Cries- A lot-Wonders if she can calm down to go to work-