Today, it’ll have to do

i’m broken and not lightly, shattered selves within pouring out- a daily notification i don’t fail to get & would give anything to ignore, to put under the threshold of consciousness but my hyperalertvigilance won’t allow me to- more of a battle to fight, more alone than ever– smiling though not near halfway there, but most don’t know me or seel my real smile is 99% inert– barely able to leave the house (no home), my body hurts, not enough air, then i step out –not voluntarily– from my bodily shell and my senses- some numbness comes next and it’s somewhat welcome– i drive but can’t escape, feeling foreign and out of place at all times– weakly managing to survive, to pull my act together in short bursts of hypomanic energy before it leaves me depressed and almost dead but not quite– to put on a mask with a fake expression palette that’s nowhere near the real stuff, a disguised testament of my deep sorrow and disdain… Yet today, it’ll have to do…  it’ll have to suffice… because although it’s a weak attempt, it’s the best i can do today, i hate it but admit it’s a sign i tried again, that i’m comatose but not dead yet. 

Art-of-Smiling

this post isn’t the usual but its words cannot be silenced and must be written/ been depressed most of my life (since i was 6 yrs old)/silenced, i became an expert in the Art of Smiling, the ultimate act of disguise/a fuckin’ lie, tool of survival/as i grew older, and learned to let the real me, (the manic mostly depressed me) show through, my fabricated smile faded a bit/ it was ok, i was being more myself, but @ times struggling with my smiling facade when i needed it/well, now i’ve been silenced once more, my ‘safe place’ turned hostile/validation for lots of self-destructiveness i thought i had conquered/ i’m depressed and agitated, manic and dysphoric, my mind spinning and racing this body that often hesitates to move .

i find myself re-learning the ART OF SMILING, startling those that somewhat knew me but now never will, as i scream in silence -from this dark place i learned was home since i was a sad little girl. most smile and don’t think much about it, yet for many of us it’s such a painful process, a negation of our experience, invalidating our pain, deeming worthless the things we can’t say in peace. YES, IT COSTS ME A LOT TO SMILE AND LAUGH. it’s usually not real, just the result of years of calculation, often resulting in failure and always evidence of my feelings of worthlessness. 

 

Darkness__ , Light___

Whereas DARKNESS is solid, heavy, tangible, and all encompassing ; LIGHT is weightless, airy, translucent, and able to transcend all in a variance of rays for bits of time.  Where DARK imposes, LIGHT plays ; where DARK shrinks time and space, LIGHT distorts our perceptions of those. A world of one without the other lacks depth, and slowly wounds our humanity. DARKNESS on its own is too potent, domineering and quite sadistic. LIGHT by itself is bland, shapeless, and blinds our view of everything.

My inner world lacks fluctuation, the subtlety between both things, the initial stages that precede or end the storm. Certainly there is more dark than light. In fact, often the light is contaminated. Still beautiful, I’m still grateful for it, but not the pure light I so very much need in my internal landscape. There is often no cycling, just sudden switches, like my brain goes randomly on/offline as NIGHT collapses into DAY with no trigger, and does so again as it wishes. It’s abrupt, jarring, startling to my senses. There is no lasting pattern, except my tired, anxious, paranoid, scared presence… here.

Not-Yet ______

Where do lost minds go? Where do they hide? 

No answers, just question marks.

So called thoughts, though not all the way formed

Still in the race, dehydrated, part of the soundtrack

Of this manic trance not yet subsiding 

Overwhelmed circuitry, distorted transmission

Hyper-reality not yet faded

Engraved in bronze, silver, gold within my skull

Melancholy and anxiety mixture filling the cracks

Hypersexuality not yet tamed

Flickering image of dysphoria wearing laced euphoria

Temperature meets cold  then plays in waves of heat

Great feels worthless-All at once.

Hunger for life gone suicidal-All at once.

Rage, laughter, tears, thrills- Flirty cocktail seeping out.

My brain releases, fountain of insanity: My mind not yet found.

but it fails…

there is light but it fails to shine, it just burns my eyes, brands my skin with the marks of deprived sleep accumulated these past years -coming and going- always in motion, waves in which my sanity both sails and drowns, often unwillingly anchored to the sands beneath, a helplessly inert object that 1st of all feels and is expected to think but often can’t, unless disruption and disconnection now replace introspection and all fuckin’ else. there is chaos but it fails to conquer if you give it time.