Today, it’ll have to do

i’m broken and not lightly, shattered selves within pouring out- a daily notification i don’t fail to get & would give anything to ignore, to put under the threshold of consciousness but my hyperalertvigilance won’t allow me to- more of a battle to fight, more alone than eversmiling though not near halfway there, but most don’t know me or seel my real smile is 99% inert– barely able to leave the house (no home), my body hurts, not enough air, then i step out –not voluntarily– from my bodily shell and my senses- some numbness comes next and it’s somewhat welcomei drive but can’t escape, feeling foreign and out of place at all times weakly managing to survive, to pull my act together in short bursts of hypomanic energy before it leaves me depressed and almost dead but not quite– to put on a mask with a fake expression palette that’s nowhere near the real stuff, a disguised testament of my deep sorrow and disdain… Yet today, it’ll have to do…  it’ll have to suffice… because although it’s a weak attempt, it’s the best i can do today, i hate it but admit it’s a sign i tried again, that i’m comatose but not dead yet.