this post isn’t the usual but its words cannot be silenced and must be written/ been depressed most of my life (since i was 6 yrs old)/silenced, i became an expert in the Art of Smiling, the ultimate act of disguise/a fuckin’ lie, tool of survival/as i grew older, and learned to let the real me, (the manic mostly depressed me) show through, my fabricated smile faded a bit/ it was ok, i was being more myself, but @ times struggling with my smiling facade when i needed it/well, now i’ve been silenced once more, my ‘safe place’ turned hostile/validation for lots of self-destructiveness i thought i had conquered/ i’m depressed and agitated, manic and dysphoric, my mind spinning and racing this body that often hesitates to move .

i find myself re-learning the ART OF SMILING, startling those that somewhat knew me but now never will, as i scream in silence -from this dark place i learned was home since i was a sad little girl. most smile and don’t think much about it, yet for many of us it’s such a painful process, a negation of our experience, invalidating our pain, deeming worthless the things we can’t say in peace. YES, IT COSTS ME A LOT TO SMILE AND LAUGH. it’s usually not real, just the result of years of calculation, often resulting in failure and always evidence of my feelings of worthlessness.