my RoLLerCoaSTer

cycling during the past 24 hrs has left my mind an unfolding, yet to be solved puzzle. it had been a while since my last ride. unexpected sequence, odd-er timing, and moving kinda backwards. even @ work. like what the fuck.

a low-low followed by a fleeting sky-high followed by an anxiety attack induced lower-low meltdown followed by my paranoid angry- low then a low high fading into numbness topped by a mild low that is now intensifying -sighs- exhausting.

however, i hereby report a higher awareness when my short-lived hypomania crashed via paranoid anxiety attack.

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YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW… REALLY

sick_and_tired: both severe understatements

how are you?_are you ok?_questions i dread_and most often evade

questions well intended_ i’m aware

i’m brainfucked not stupid_paranoid not suspicious_anxious not afraid

depressed not pessimistic_manic not happy_but how to tell? no clue

i don’t expect your understanding…. yet I have to understand you!

your need to ask a question I can’t fucking answer with the truth

so i always lie at your convenience if i can’t divert your attention

but with each lie I die a little more inside

my sanity withers and my rose petals crumble as they hit the ground

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i love me but i hate what i have become.

self portrait #18

Out-Of-Bounds-Fuck

I AM playing a loosing game

so lost and disoriented.

YOU took most of MY space

now symbolized by this court

you PUSHED me OUT of my life

turned it into trickery and pain

I AM still a looser that plays

OUT OF BOUNDS

all your fault though we are but 1

 

Rocky Shore

Iamwashedashore_inthemidstofmyflight_myfleetinghigh_knockedfardown_

againIdidntbraceforimpact

denialindisguise_myhypomanicsavior_turnedtonemesis_oncemore_

Iamwashedashore_afterdrowning_

rudeawakening_painfulscrapingonmyskin_amongtherocks_Ibleedintears_

washedashore

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boom…it’s magic!

the fog is lifted as if it were a staged effect- all along mysterious

from tears to anger to gone

the lights that blinded me now blink-unrehearsed choreography

cycle switches gears-done while  undone

my body from heavy to light

my brain gone boom… it’s magic!

Dry Depression

Chance of rain 20%. Chance of thunder 99%. Hopelessness at an all time high. Emptiness so dense it holds the rain captive in the sky. The clouds hurt from holding them in, from this cruel punishment of being unable to let go. I would rather cry than live in dry depression.

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people: overwhelm: me:

There, I said it though I was scared to. Sounds ugly because it is. And in case you were wondering, this overwhelm-ness includes friends, coworkers, assholes, strangers, and well… me. My life gets more fabulous by the isolated second. Yeah, right, sure.