cycling during the past 24 hrs has left my mind an unfolding, yet to be solved puzzle. it had been a while since my last ride. unexpected sequence, odd-er timing, and moving kinda backwards. even @ work. like what the fuck.
a low-low followed by a fleeting sky-high followed by an anxiety attack induced lower-low meltdown followed by my paranoid angry- low then a low high fading into numbness topped by a mild low that is now intensifying -sighs- exhausting.
however, i hereby report a higher awareness when my short-lived hypomania crashed via paranoid anxiety attack.
sick_and_tired: both severe understatements
how are you?_are you ok?_questions i dread_and most often evade
questions well intended_ i’m aware
i’m brainfucked not stupid_paranoid not suspicious_anxious not afraid
depressed not pessimistic_manic not happy_but how to tell? no clue
i don’t expect your understanding…. yet I have to understand you!
your need to ask a question I can’t fucking answer with the truth
so i always lie at your convenience if i can’t divert your attention
but with each lie I die a little more inside
my sanity withers and my rose petals crumble as they hit the ground
i love me but i hate what i have become.
self portrait #18
I AM playing a loosing game
so lost and disoriented.
YOU took most of MY space
now symbolized by this court
you PUSHED me OUT of my life
turned it into trickery and pain
I AM still a looser that plays
OUT OF BOUNDS
all your fault
though we are but 1
the fog is lifted as if it were a staged effect- all along mysterious
from tears to anger to gone
the lights that blinded me now blink-unrehearsed choreography
cycle switches gears-done while undone
my body from heavy to light
my brain gone boom… it’s magic!
Chance of rain 20%. Chance of thunder 99%. Hopelessness at an all time high. Emptiness so dense it holds the rain captive in the sky. The clouds hurt from holding them in, from this cruel punishment of being unable to let go. I would rather cry than live in dry depression.
There, I said it though I was scared to. Sounds ugly because it is. And in case you were wondering, this overwhelm-ness includes friends, coworkers, assholes, strangers, and well… me. My life gets more fabulous by the isolated second. Yeah, right, sure.