my RoLLerCoaSTer

cycling during the past 24 hrs has left my mind an unfolding, yet to be solved puzzle. it had been a while since my last ride. unexpected sequence, odd-er timing, and moving kinda backwards. even @ work. like what the fuck.

a low-low followed by a fleeting sky-high followed by an anxiety attack induced lower-low meltdown followed by my paranoid angry- low then a low high fading into numbness topped by a mild low that is now intensifying -sighs- exhausting.

however, i hereby report a higher awareness when my short-lived hypomania crashed via paranoid anxiety attack.

YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW… REALLY

sick_and_tired: both severe understatements

how are you?_are you ok?_questions i dread_and most often evade

questions well intended_ i’m aware

i’m brainfucked not stupid_paranoid not suspicious_anxious not afraid

depressed not pessimistic_manic not happy_but how to tell? no clue

i don’t expect your understanding…. yet I have to understand you!

your need to ask a question I can’t fucking answer with the truth

so i always lie at your convenience if i can’t divert your attention

but with each lie I die a little more inside

my sanity withers and my rose petals crumble as they hit the ground

 

 

 

i love me but i hate what i have become.

self portrait #18

Out-Of-Bounds-Fuck

I AM playing a loosing game

so lost and disoriented.

YOU took most of MY space

now symbolized by this court

you PUSHED me OUT of my life

turned it into trickery and pain

I AM still a looser that plays

OUT OF BOUNDS

all your fault though we are but 1

 

Rocky Shore

Iamwashedashore_inthemidstofmyflight_myfleetinghigh_knockedfardown_

againIdidntbraceforimpact

denialindisguise_myhypomanicsavior_turnedtonemesis_oncemore_

Iamwashedashore_afterdrowning_

rudeawakening_painfulscrapingonmyskin_amongtherocks_Ibleedintears_

washedashore

boom…it’s magic!

the fog is lifted as if it were a staged effect- all along mysterious

from tears to anger to gone

the lights that blinded me now blink-unrehearsed choreography

cycle switches gears-done while  undone

my body from heavy to light

my brain gone boom… it’s magic!

Dry Depression

Chance of rain 20%. Chance of thunder 99%. Hopelessness at an all time high. Emptiness so dense it holds the rain captive in the sky. The clouds hurt from holding them in, from this cruel punishment of being unable to let go. I would rather cry than live in dry depression.

people: overwhelm: me:

There, I said it though I was scared to. Sounds ugly because it is. And in case you were wondering, this overwhelm-ness includes friends, coworkers, assholes, strangers, and well… me. My life gets more fabulous by the isolated second. Yeah, right, sure.

Raw Void

is all there is today. For you, for me, for assholes and kind people alike. I stand here @ work in complete disconnection. Detachment keeping my hostility at bay, lucky me. I see me but I fail to respond. I catch on to people reactions yet I’m swallowed by this raw indifferent frustration, my seemingly nonchalant void. No response from me, except for myself noticing. I don’t mean to do this but how will they know? I’m struggling to be human. Really.
I exude as much warmth as any temperature below zero degrees.

Ooops I did not do it. Take my mood stabilizer that is. Great.

 

Bright (Insert Color) Mental Post-It:

Abouttosnap is not_the_same_as Abouttocrash. Search the unspoken words, unshed tears, and disjointed thought concoctions for clues!

Of Ink and Chaos

Been kinda blank lately?

Not at all really, more like a Rorschach Test gone wild, ink bleeding through, condensing into black rain, henceforth staining my life. It’s been too much chaos to possibly express in words known to us, Homo Sapiens.

This is what it used to look like.

This is it, now:

“We all die struggling to be born” said by Henry Miller

FilthyClean

I have no clue how many times I wash my hands_or_ How many times I use hand sanitizer with high alcohol percentage in absence of proper antibacterial soap and water. Yes, I read the tiny print on the labels. Beware of low alcohol percentage so-called sanitizers! A brain embedded compulsive ritual to reiterate my contamination obsession, stemming from a life spent being washed away, in an enforced OCD home.

It’s too many times to count.

As per recent observation, this handwashing ordeal has turned from a frustrating activity, to a somewhat soothing one. It puzzles me, to say the least. A fleeting mind-fuck in which I delusion this chaos will disappear or disintegrate -if I wash enough times, or do it the right way. Until I realize -again- my chaos won’t come clean by such limited means. For now, suffice it to say that I’m filthy clean.

Self Deprived… and More

My world in chaotic Disarray- My Self so Discontent

Disappointment follows me everywhere

Disdain seeps into my every breath

Deprivation of sleep & sex – though sleep I can do without

Time slips away-And with it, my Youth

My Sanity goes along with them – Leaving Me here

Dissatisfied- with Nowhere to go

Deconstruction ongoing ’til further notice

Delusions distort my views once more

Infestation-an  Army of parasites

Sucking my Brain’s life out, putting me to Inertia

Anxiety and Fear take hold

Paralyzed but ready to let Go