P U SHHHH E D out

every hour every minute every second I’m being pushed out. in my so-called home I am not safe from You which technically stem from my brain that currently burns the candle at both ends making sure I won’t escape. not surprising as my safety deficit has been there through my damaged yet once bright but fleeting existence like a beautiful shooting star loosing aim steadily then abruptly ’till it plummeted as an inert dark meteor diminished to space debris. every day every week every month I’m being pushed out. with no safe zones left where exactly can I go without You watching over me distorting my thoughts like an fx pedal does a poorly strummed guitar chord? 

every quarter every year every decade You have been present persisting thru all chemical compounds tried and erred as You pushed me out of my own space. You have latched onto my brain circuits like a parasite does its host except you might just become the host instead & I’m too exhausted not making much sense for the 1st time too worn out to push you back to the background chatter in the bounds of my head.

that threshold that makes me halfsane borderlinepsychotic sometimes half-functional minushuman most days halfsuicidal frequently borderlinealive in summary never whole of any thingonce pristine mind-space of a child gaslighted on a daily basis by Her contamination OCD resulting in the fearful trauma that carved an inner landscape of rituals, obsessions, eating disorders, & anxiety like a plague that still pushes me out of my home, my life, my sanity. here I am with the remains of my life pushed out again.

Ethanol

 

a childhood drained in ethanol then left to dry yet I’m still not clean enough for Her.

 

Advertisements