P U SHHHH E D out

every hour every minute every second I’m being pushed out. in my so-called home I am not safe from You which technically stem from my brain that currently burns the candle at both ends making sure I won’t escape. not surprising as my safety deficit has been there through my damaged yet once bright but fleeting existence like a beautiful shooting star loosing aim steadily then abruptly ’till it plummeted as an inert dark meteor diminished to space debris. every day every week every month I’m being pushed out. with no safe zones left where exactly can I go without You watching over me distorting my thoughts like an fx pedal does a poorly strummed guitar chord? 

every quarter every year every decade You have been present persisting thru all chemical compounds tried and erred as You pushed me out of my own space. You have latched onto my brain circuits like a parasite does its host except you might just become the host instead & I’m too exhausted not making much sense for the 1st time too worn out to push you back to the background chatter in the bounds of my head.

that threshold that makes me halfsane borderlinepsychotic sometimes half-functional minushuman most days halfsuicidal frequently borderlinealive in summary never whole of any thingonce pristine mind-space of a child gaslighted on a daily basis by Her contamination OCD resulting in the fearful trauma that carved an inner landscape of rituals, obsessions, eating disorders, & anxiety like a plague that still pushes me out of my home, my life, my sanity. here I am with the remains of my life pushed out again.

Ethanol

 

a childhood drained in ethanol then left to dry yet I’m still not clean enough for Her.

 

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digression

the Sky dressed in hues of Peaceful

clouds of Joyful fluffy white

a doll of foreign features not her own

her made up mask sewn like lingerie

& it ain’t right: but for now it must suffice

& though I dissent: in Thee now I digress

enticing sensual scent

wearing lace, satin & leather

hypersexual seductress on a whim

to a willing very eager victim

unaware of Thy existence 

***

You wear my face

I flaunt our body

My sultry domme

I’m your slave whore

Pushing back my tears:

in the echo of my faked laughter

Folding my death wish:

between my moans & orgasms 

As we feed My need to digress & Your need to roleplay

 

 

 

iN LimbO

tRemBLinG with overly done perceptions my sensations gone overboard & I can’t help ThaT which I can’t stop or foretell but shows itself @ random_BReaThiNG despair my head fills with oxygen pushing words, colors, images & sounds against my skull that still aches from the pains of yesterday & I can’t get a hold on ThiS fear that won’t let go as anxiety attacks once if not more_dReaDing this ongoing paralysis where silence

speaks my lost mind.

can barely move but can’t keep still. agitated & confused.

undefined sentence. stuck in limbo.

an avolition of thoughts, emotions & ideas not yet crystallized.….

I said I cannot continue like this but no one listens anyway.

SOuth-siDE: SLope

Your thinking is L_I_N_E_A_R – but Mine is SiDeWaYs.

Thine ways are rational – as Mine are deviant.

Your sentences built as pillars of ETHOS & Logic.

My words align in loud clusters gone pseudo-ErOtiC.

Your plans are Sequ e n t i  a  l – but Mine are diver enT.

Thy brain follows straight L_I_N_E_S  and keeps Thee all right angles.

Mine flees in TaNgEnTs & shreds My All to obtuse try-angles.

Image

I’M stuck EVERYwhere. Outskirts of normal.

Fine lie, really SOuth_of_oKAy.

You’re free in 1 place. Social norm butterfly.

True smile, in norTH-bound-trend. 

I walk the edge carelessly yet won’t lose balance.

I wish for the fall yet my brain won’t let go.

But You don’t know & I won’t tell so on I play. 

 

 

 

 

WiShEd-WiSh

I wished to die today- but I can’t say so I try to forget

And many times do, yet it persists stretching my chest

Making me remember many other times too.

I wished to die today- once again so I ignore to adapt

Honor the feeling but run it past, yet it comes after me

A detour in my path each time about me I’m asked

I wish to die– though to disappear would suffice

I wish to die and that’s ok or at least I am

I won’t tell but now I can’t really forget

This pain I can’t ignore, defy, or control

I wished to die today-  one of many times before

I wished to die today- like a girl 20 years ago

I wish for Death– for it always dissipates

As I seek ways to survive instead.

 

But I can’t say- so I lie once more & yet again

Then I’m suddenly fine though few can see

I am strongly not how I claim to be as of late.

nOn-PLuS-uLTra

stabbed from within

sharp blade elongates, tearing thru the tissues ’til it breaks skin.

stream of split memories-

lines of dialogue permeate, bouncing off the surfaces in my head.

lost from within, gone vacant

piercing noises, strips of music unite and separate me from sane.

and you shove your power and i feel it and it wears me out.

and you have your ways and i let you while I find other ways.

non-plus-ultra

 

 

you are the Alpha, the extreme, my ULtrA– for better and worse.

we are uneven, unequal, of different fluctuating beauty and worth

I am the end and you must reckon, I am NoN-pLUs-ULtrA- not your scapegoat.