I am fract.ured broken self ruptured tortured raped sort of raptured in stealth under colorful clouds still I am fract.ur.ed self frozen in pain never seen much less heard imprisoned increasingly fr.act.ur.ed in limbic arrest sort of half dead but not totally yet in this state of synaptic threat – my undoing, dismantling, devolution, my very own de-personalization world de-realization are my oh so f.ract.ur.ed lines of defense.
it’s crowded in my head wORdS lEtTeRs sOuNds in whole or frag.men.ts running flying bouncing once twice pacing side to side ViBrAtionS electric drops of energy left and right of everyWHERE to quench my sleep-less-ness feed my hunger though quite never is it enough to retrieve my lost attention
rage-ing, rave-ing, gone rabid or was it rapid?, no intervention,
a colorful uncoordinated choreography LOVEd&HATEitAll@OnceinWateryCycles a stream of create-in-captivity in tears that flood this life 1/2 miss-led all the while imprinting each miss-step on these sands of time, scraping my skin in fancy letters, though mymindruns IamTrApPeD my power insufficient to turn on the light
–without clarity there is no exit!-my voice echoes ignored and forgotten senses distorted and scrambled in this altered reality state both asleep and awake.
Ultra-Cyclic Weather: Thunder, Sun & Rain merge-in-clouds
yet a fuckin’ RainBow once in never
to be found. my world is shrinking, but not just. it e. x. p. a. n. d. s. it shrinks.
unanimous mockery breaking
false h o p e nowhere to go as i’m gone a. n. x. i. e. t. y invades my escape (what’s left) paints the wall a paranoid tint of red & (on me). voices .silhouettes.motions out of the border of my eye. stuck here.
remembering better times of despair as i make myself
this w. o. r. t. h.l.e.s.s.ness thatpullsmyworld out of r e a c h.
to the-next freshly erased.
“What constant re-angling of thoughts, an EndLess REaRRanGeMeNt of them,
but shit. What b r e a k s. What gives.” “As soon as I write I’ve already forgotten. I must remember. I must read.” Mark Z.Danielewski, HoL
The water’s momentarily almost tranquil. The winds caress instead of cutting my skin. The grip of that which afflicts me feels loose, letting me breathe from time to time. And I wonder if this one time it means any thing or nothing or every thing but can’t be certain. And my patience is a thread about to break, the floor beneath my feet is about to let me fall into the void below this hell. Another rock bottom. And more time elapses, sands dissolving in time- the residues settling in the bottom of this flooded pit in layers of colors, blacks and grays. Until the waters rise in waves of… this… again. Ad infinitum it seems.