It Hurts And…

it hurts to be alive and i can’t fake it it hurts to be alive and i can’t tame it it hurts to be alive and i can’t defer it.

survival so excruciating- like a pen writing with no ink left like a toy with all its battery spent- destined to be deprived to fail to die multiple times.

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Free. Not

 things in life aren’t always for free, lesson lived and learned times squared yet it still annoys me, especially if i had a few microsteps in a better direction- after months of paralysis and now see my body pay in energy , as well reason-clouding anxiety. Fuck. Ugh.

crumbling_under erasure

my sky is crumbling…

pieces flying downward 

cluttering this empty space i can’t call home

becoming a part of the mess that plagues me

my self-created sunshine dims

adding to this ever present darkness

filling the expansive void of failures 

that i anxiously stack and eventually step on

only to fall once more on the edge of unexpectedly

deceived by a holographic image of progress

of a bluest sky with cotton-y clouds and real sunshine

I fall apart in the loud silence of bipolar depression aftermath.

I, a broken piece of nothing, a presence existing under erasure.

 

 

 

reduced

half-lived life, so unfinished

half-sewn disguise, so unpretty

life reduced, sanity obtuse 

-but it was time to let go:

said the voices of my misplaced mind.

In aguish. In laughter.

Then, now, never-after forever

In wanderlust. In desperation.

I am reduced. You are amused.

Manic Tears in Depression

color*full

Color*Fullness though not in full color format.

Or is not black the dense color of darkness? Artist within every shadow.

Hidden from our field of sight. Anxious transmitter of lust.

Clothed by a translucent, sheer, fabric laced with light.

love.backwards

I hate myself right now. Like many times before.

The stocks of my net worth dropping below zero. All my savings funds lost and withdrawn.

All of everything sucked into this black hole, tearing me to pieces, not breaking my fall.

I hate myself. Sometimes in bulk. Others in miniature.

Always there. My heroic anti-hero.

I love myself. Though I now admit it, I most often forget. Like now.