There is nothing more profound than the moments before and after the darkest shades of dark. Or more beautiful than the playful, brights lights flirting with this dark space & shadows. Or more compelling than the soothing cool caress of the night -once it’s morning- breeze on your face after an exasperating day at work. Or more stimulating than a small dose of inspiration after being worthless in the trance of depression,
among other things.
In the dark your sorrows are deeper, your pain is most unbearable, your anxiety a murderer. In the dark your senses are enhanced and sharpened. The dark prepares you to best perceive, absorb, and reflect the light– but no replication, no way to reproduce it
when needed. Fuck.
a world composed of the stratosphere with the ocean directly underneath, in which I traverse this comatose life that withers every day. I soar above the clouds- then find me drowning on the ocean floor, broken by the clashing waves. No earth, no landscapes…
Just the essentials of sky and water, in grayscale to blue monochromatic shades.
a palette of vibrant shades except primary yellow, blue, and red- replaced with beautiful variations, seemingly mismatched hues of color in dynamic fusion. perceptual candy for my senses, stimulant for mind and soul. A drop of poison for this raging bitterness, a drop of medicine for this evolving anxiety. should aid in feeling better, but it doesn’t,
painfully usual for me. compelling imagery I would otherwise not know: fancy wrapper for this pointless existence.
Grandiosity/Inferiority: mutually exclusive- yet here they mingle & cohabitate –
driving me south of Sane. Feeling above everyone while being worthless all at once.
Anxiety/Rage: sub & domme- here they roleplay, fused in multiorgasmic clarity–
BDSM synergy suddenly too rough. Sexy tug of war angry at the world.
sterile: fleeting success doomed to failure, beyond perfection despite the woes of germs.
sterile: ultimate level of clean so transitory, beyond light in a world of pitch black.
sterile: careless and free in this prison made of glass, beyond space in this dimension of virus.
sterile: neatly wrapped clusterfuck of seduction, beyond my skin and senses.
Sterilization of self beyond my feelings and any ability to think -But it’s not enough. I’m unclean and tainted since birth, a stain that has never quite faded to your level of cleanliness.
Lying in bed. Wired. Overwhelmed yet non-reactive. And I can’t fuckin’ move. So much activity my brain freezes transmission. From hyperconsciousness to a big block of ice that-just-won’t-melt. Incoherent half thoughts are complex so why bother. Suddenly anxious but about what?Agitated but why? Lying in bed. Paralyzed body. Overdriven mind past the speed limit. Alarmingly loosing traction. Cataclysm. Lying in bed: Wired. Paralyzed. Overwhelmed.Trapped. The Hours pass…
the pain stabs then throws me to the ground- another loss, another lonely fall- the image sharpens, full scene is captured- another dose i fail to swallow, another taste so bitter- i’ve been trying to walk but my heels are fractured. in grief and invisible pain i can’t manage to live, an open wound that won’t bleed- in a world i can’t belong i’m deemed unworthy, damned to this frail and malnourished existence.
Mother Nature has been unloving my frail existence for 21 years but that’s somehow ok **between these deceiving walls I got my neatly contained death wish files, my painful storage boxes: (tears, fears, memories) with a huge gap of anxious emptiness and angry disdain**broken faucet, the water fails to stop, drowning my universe, in faint hues or shades of grayscale**my mind still spinning, out of tune, dismantled ferris wheel.
I’m here but truly gone far away. my heart dying. my head beats in waves of pain.