of Life, Pain, Beauty

Life just hurts. Simple truth. I used to think it was sad but not anymore. It’s another state to survive and learn from, just like the euphorias of mania- or anywhere in the spectrum of highs and lows. Pain not inflicted by life events, trauma or death. Sometimes life just hurts from the moment we open our eyes until we fall asleep -even in our dreams some of us are deprived of feeling pain-free. It fluctuates… behind the glazed eyes we display as we hold tears withinbehind our suddenly energetic sleepless persona. All human experience can be traced back to love, beauty and pain. Hate is a distorted love and anger stems from pain. Beauty- what exactly is it? Where is it found? ***

All is painful. Waking up, going to work, relating to people, getting groceries, being home. Any driving or public space triggers anxiety attacks or paranoia. Suddenly people are overwhelming and I shut down – don’t wanna hurt anyone. Sounds are too sharp, deep or plain loud both in my head and out. I apply  strategies but ultimately my brain has the last word. *** As I let go of the colorful clusterfuck chaos... I finally get it: Beauty is everywhere, even in the depths of this unbearable pain of existence- it’s the ultimate truth in my fragile vulnerability. This life that just hurts: burning every neuron within my brain. This insight only came after I decided not to ignore pain, or look away from it. By acknowledging my pain, I reached a state of acceptance.  I saw part of my struggle dissipate. Pain is no longer an intruder, but an experience tied to my journey for reasons I’m not yet meant to comprehend. So, my little bits of energy now focus on trying to live with it- much more realistic than to run away from the inescapable. Pain is beautiful in powerful, horrific ways.