In.sid.i.ous

Adjective: proceeding in a gradual, subtle way but with harmful effects. Treacherous, crafty, sly, perfidious. Of a disease: developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent.

Of Bipolar Disorder: An illness I call a condition because even if fleetingly so, the hypomanic/manic highs of euphoria are fuckin’ amazing. However, it is during this time that our prefrontal cortex is shut down and the illness plots against us via electric brain storm and prepares its next attack of depression. Meanwhile, we are making poor decisions because our bipolar brain gave up on us. We take poor care of our bodies, thinking we are superhuman, not eating or sleeping because our manic brain is holding us hostage.  We loose friends, family relationships, jobs, etc. Then inevitably, whether ur manic/hypomanic frenzy last months, weeks, days, or hours- your prefrontal cortex s rebooted and depression ambushes you. A death foretold only we didn’t listen. The sound was too faint between all the racing, cluttered thoughts, our flights of grandiose ideas. Pain shoots everywhere and we can barely get out of bed.  Our energy is drained in just surviving and faking ‘normal’ and if not possible, like we are just having a bad day. It is then that we see we have been fools, used and discarded. Someone says we need to look at the positive and you are on the verge of snapping their head off because inside you are enraged by your mere existence, because they have no fuckin’ idea of how much energy and effort it takes to just be out of bed, to find reasons not to die, to block out the stupid chatter in your head… However in all worthlessness and shame we keep quiet. Yes, I need to get better at that.  You are right, maybe I’m not seeing all the positives in the big picture… Sigh. Another failure at ‘faking’ fine.

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