corrosion anxiety

a chunk of my life taken without consent – tell me how does it feel?

I was young, smart,  pretty,  and mostly successful – though never Type A

a long, resistant chain of unfortunate events full of drama – though not royalty

I lied – until the role I played to survive became embedded within

a hypomanic personality that was consistently depressed – so my therapist said

I agreed – although back then it was so mild & gentle, dressed in lace & deceit

an anxious, suicidal, depressed child I was – fallen, no grace whatsoever

I thought that was over but you proved me wrong, not once or twice but tenfold

a fighter not a quitter I am –  yet you’ve forced me to flee or freeze while undone

I thought I was beyond life or death, only a mere tragic-comedic existence

a chunk of my life taken without consent – answer my fuckin’ question!

you have broken me only to glue me and break into colorful fragments

you infected my spontaneity with a potent extract of routine I can’t swallow

you are a corrosive that has eaten most of everything, including my courage.

corrosion

you are burning me from far

my words liquefied

you led me to the slaughter – failure once more today

I feel me drown as I’m gone and watch us both – so fun.

anxiety&depression nowdepersonalization home

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2 thoughts on “corrosion anxiety

  1. While I believe each person’s Bi Polar symptoms may vary somewhat, i also believe that the feelings of worthlessness, rage, isolation and desperation feel very similar. Thus, I comment, I think I understand. When I was first diagnosed – just two years ago, after my initial rejection of the diagnosis and my subsequent acceptance of it, I did find some comfort in the understanding that It isn’t me, that I am not a defective person, but that it is a condition which my brain has. I also experienced my ‘uniqueness’ in terms of other heroes i admire which were/are bipolar. I find some comfort knowing that I’m in great company of artists, statepersons, and doers. On the other hand my biggest fear for myself and others with manic depression is that one may loose enough hope, and self control to not intervene using the tools we have aquired for coping with this and end up hurt oneself fatally. To put it like my warrior peers say it, “that we may make a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. I have been there twice and hope not to let myself get even close to it again. I say all of this in hope that you have a supportive network, effective tools and strong cognitive skills to stay safe. I believe your eloquence voicing your experience is such a great coping tool. I wish you stay well.

    • Thanks for sharing! It is always inspiring when we see others like us succeed. Our brains process information differently: shutting down our prefrontal cortex – making our amygdala, limbic system (among others) work at 100mph. There are structural differences, such as reduced gray matter. The genes are being uncovered, we do share some found in Schizophrenia, and ADHD. My diagnosis was in 2003, but the condition didn’t “hit me hard” until late 2008. I think I’ve acquired decent skills over the years, failed medications, and lots of reading. Tom Wootton’s work has particularly helped me see all this in a more positive light. I appreciate your kind feedback. Be well!

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