early late hour

It’s 4:38 am: i’m wide awake, not surprising. but sleep deprivation isn’t the topic, just a circumstance. at this time, there are often 100’s of fun words bouncing in my head, cool thoughts & ideas. or a sudden burst of energy, or future plans i didn’t know i had. NOT TODAY. i’m crying and devastated and just want it all to be over and hate myself although that’s not right- as though i can’t help it- which i know i can but not right now when i need it most because the ultimate way to make it end would be to die by my hand and i promised not to do that. so if i’m worth anything, i should keep my promise. i’m wide awake, crying and i want to contain it but it won’t stop-the only way to make it stop is with someone else but there is nobody and my mind won’t listen to me. It’s 4:51am: i sit here, waiting for time to pass, for this pounding headache to hammer my brain unconscious.