AntiDote

I think I found it (antidote)…

Thinking of today, words like refreshing & inspiring come to mind.. what the fuck happened?  No, it’s not a rush of hypomania – the kind that take my pain away, make me work 10x quicker & better- before my brain runs for an exit… abandoning me to the claws of depression and death grip of anxiety. I barely slept, and my body felt it. I had anxiety attacks come/go more than once. I crashed. IT WASN’T NEAR PERFECT – OR NICELY HYPOMANIC. I thought I was headed there. However, my anxiety had been choking the air out of me- then it lost strength and I could breathe again. Fu.cking.fan.ta.bu.lous!

The one difference I see? The intense anger/hostility I was feeling before work ‘canceled’ all the rest. I’ve noticed my anger/rage is the only thing that ‘overrides’ anxiety... though I can go from rage to panic one moment to the next. I wish I knew how to redirect my anger, turn it into my anxiety antidote- instead of it poisoning me (as usual). Keep dreaming! Oh I can feel this state leave me: FUCK.

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