Funny.Hahaha.Not.

i always try to laugh at my bipolar episodes, anxiety attacks and overall paranoia. when life gets too fucked up, there comes a point you must laugh about it. I mean, what else can you do… already been angry, cried, tried to fix it… of course, that’s “mildly depressed me through a hypomania filter” talk. switch me to depression or dysphoric mania and this is nothing but a delusion to a fatal tragedy, or a cruel mockery that makes my insides boil with rage. the epitome of self destruction. i also downplay it, like it’s not as bad –as if i had control– truth is i lost that years ago: but i don’t want you to know it’s this pathetic. maybe if i buy into that lie i can feel better? maybe if i say it’s funny, not as bad and fake laugh enough times it will become indeed a funny thing that’s not too bad and will produce real laughter? but my illness fails that lie, and the mask cracks for all to see. suddenly there is air but no oxygen for my struggling brain(again), i wish i was dead (again), but when you approach me i say it really is “kind of funny”, half smiling or faint fake laugh and then you believe me (or pretend to). and i die some more (again), hate me some more (again), realize i’m being too harsh (again), and that i need a hug (or many) but have betrayed me (again) and never asked the not so random people around me for one. i’m so lonely but i don’t shed much light into it because it’s too painful. i fake being strong in an attempt to be how i used to be. i push my limits but they keep closing in on me...

i need a friend that makes me feel alive in a good way. i’m so tired and beat,  i fool myself into finding it funny. if you like me enough, this monster that inhabits my brain and permeates my mind…might get distracted and go back to the background. its voice will be faint, my body will be mine, and i will be someone different from this. for now, my worth is scattered in pieces on this hard floor where i’ve cried for too long – i lack energy to put it together. isn’t this funny: mid 20’s, attractive, intelligent, open-minded, hypersexual: with nobody to open up to, defeated by this condition that she tries to find the positive in every day. hahaha.

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