dysphoric mania_agitated depression

_are peeking behind the simplistic term of mixed state. i didn’t think much of it until well… i had a terrible dysphoric mania that would cycle into agitated depression. another species of high-low and low high. another failed trial of medication. another dent in my battered sanity. and then, there was now:

Newsflash! I am a Chosen One that will change the world: I lust for a killer and plan my murder as the others plot against me. They mock, spy on my moves and chase me down but they are too slow. While paranoid, I slip into panic, and melt into unshed tears that I was clueless of them dying to come out. I’m breathless by the way. A person on my ‘future potential friend’ list has the audacity to talk to me- and the raging snap feature in my brain is triggered. In the midst of it, I catch my act but keep going until the person leaves me alone finally! for their own safety. In a few minutes I become ugly and terrible and worthless and stupid as anxiety gets an encore one more time. Oooops I did it again. But not like the song. Like a broken faucet that leaks, the tears are flowing: with bits of my sanity scratching my skin. Racing thoughts of suicidal grandiosity.

i get revved up.i burn.i crash. like an iPod Shuffle but not really-

i have no play button or off switch. just watch me, pretend you like me,

then let me go. for your own good, mine is already fucked up.