this unbearable pain that consumes my very existence, swallows me whole then regurgitates me -not once not twice but too many times to count. left here to cry, scream, break, hit, while fantasizing about the self induced murder that might not ever take place, not because i am or my life is worth it, but because when i made my decision not to jump and drown in 2009, i awarded me veto rights. that bitch is always in the background, a faint voice underneath the chaos that reminds me of my beautiful sister. back then i had hope and things made sense -the crisis was cuz of being off meds for months. i would get myself /my life back soon. i was so fuckin’ wrong. had i known things would unfold this way…i would have jumped, i would have drowned, i wouldn’t feel this pain and you wouldn’t be reading this. the end. who cares anyway?