welcome home! i missed u_

_intense- yet not too hard to handle- productivity_enhancing, speech_ inducing, laughter_forgering… shortlived  MANIA. 

now, just don’t stay here longer than i need you.  in fact, go away, will you?

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DeCoding Suicide

Disclaimer: I’ve been on/off suicidal since I was 9 or 10 years old. I promised myself to not ever do it on April 2009.

 Approx 40-50% of Bipolar Disorder patients will attempt suicide: approx 15-20% will succeed. My suicidal-esque moments have mostly been during mixed states:because of themanicenergyrapidracingthoughtsimpulsiveselfdestruction

*With suicidal people, it usually is not about themselves, or situations. It’s all about their ownPAIN. Nothing else exists. In visualizing, planning, attempting our suicide, we fantasize the End of ourPAINPlease, if you intend to help them, appeal to their pain, nothing else. They might feel dismissed if you deflect from it.*

I’ve been there enough times to become mostly desensitized: yet I do often regret my decision- but I eventually revert to the same irreversible pain that compelled me to make it in the 1st place. Until next time it happens. That’s my reality. Yay!

so…(drumroll)

I didn’t tolerate lithium! Not only did i become a natural disaster physically, but apparently my brain went on a serotonin/noradrenaline frenzy that caused me a drug fever (serotonin syndrome) in 1 day! After stopping, I still had a terrible day 2. Today is day 3, and I’m starting to feel myself again, and physically much better.

Now, mood-wise I became very depressed (not surprising, as lithium is an antimanic mood stabilizer), plus I don’t take antidepressants –they do me no good, neither do antipsychotics- however, lithium STOPPED THE CYCLING. Whoa, from at least 2 switches per day to none. It also made my IQ most deficient out of all meds I’ve tried. Couldn’t put 2 thoughts together.Ouch.

**This is just my experience, each person is different, and lithium is still the best option for many bipolar patients, except for some side effects. It just didn’t work for me – like almost all else.**

I just wanted to give credit where credit is due, because it was surreal that after so long, I didn’t cycle. Then again, it could’ve been coincidence…

As with most bipolar fighting meds, it also made my mind kinda dull…

          

li.thee.um

Li on the Periodic Table, alkalic metal, antimanic agent, mood stabilizer.

lithium: for the treatment of acute mania, and mania. what I used to think I wouldn’t need and had actively avoided over 1yr, when signs I might need it emerged. what I need to take now after nothing else worked and I’m much worse. Oh joy. How fun. Sighs.

dysphoric mania_agitated depression

_are peeking behind the simplistic term of mixed state. i didn’t think much of it until well… i had a terrible dysphoric mania that would cycle into agitated depression. another species of high-low and low high. another failed trial of medication. another dent in my battered sanity. and then, there was now:

Newsflash! I am a Chosen One that will change the world: I lust for a killer and plan my murder as the others plot against me. They mock, spy on my moves and chase me down but they are too slow. While paranoid, I slip into panic, and melt into unshed tears that I was clueless of them dying to come out. I’m breathless by the way. A person on my ‘future potential friend’ list has the audacity to talk to me- and the raging snap feature in my brain is triggered. In the midst of it, I catch my act but keep going until the person leaves me alone finally! for their own safety. In a few minutes I become ugly and terrible and worthless and stupid as anxiety gets an encore one more time. Oooops I did it again. But not like the song. Like a broken faucet that leaks, the tears are flowing: with bits of my sanity scratching my skin. Racing thoughts of suicidal grandiosity.

i get revved up.i burn.i crash. like an iPod Shuffle but not really-

i have no play button or off switch. just watch me, pretend you like me,

then let me go. for your own good, mine is already fucked up.

not ok…it keeps getting worse

my sanity is pouring out of me in bursts of tears

in broken pieces that held my anxiety safe within

in silent noises, paranoid delusions of them vs.me

frozen in time, cracking under its grip

Image

inside she wonders

if what is left is

enough for her needs

 

 

 

Part of Self Portrait #36,

“Frozen”

being bipolar just doesn’t take enough space…

Introducing OCD Rituals_Anxiety Attacks_General Anxiety_Eating Disorders. Also, those little nuisances of regular work and life situations. Why little? Because in my mind, those are the last of my worries. Seriously, when you can’t even use your belongings because of contamination issues, when you are basically imprisoned because anything!!!! triggers unrelenting anxiety and paranoia, not to mention anxiety attacks while driving -which by the way you do sort of recklessly both because of mania and feeling like you’re escaping all the chaos- When it’s harder to hold a conversation than the actual work itself, and you unconsciously cringe if anyone gets close to you because of contamination, even beating mania’s hypersexual seduction, and depression’s need for affection… if you would often rather stay hungry than go through the anxiety attack in public -When you take”crying” breaks at work, or better yet, spend your meal break crying…And remember, this is on top of the fact you are  either manic, mixed, or depressed at all times in cycles ranging from 3 days to 3 hours…

Believe me, life’s regular hardships are the last things on this increasingly overflowing now small storage space that used to be my brilliant bipolar brain. Sorry if my selves don’t fit into your little pretty square compartment of a mind.