It’s late at night. Early in the morning, to be more accurate. I find myself crying in the pseudo-darkness that precedes sunrise. Wanting to break down from organs, to muscle, to nerves, to cell, all the way to atoms- and then vanish into the thin air that permeates time-space. Wanting for there to be a safety net that catches this momentum gaining fall. My brain falls into inertia, allowing my bipolar judgement make key decisions in this hour of need.
Enough rhetoric. In depressive exhaustion I wait for sleep. Yet it doesn’t show up. Not for a long while. Time passes and I’m stuck here, unable to do shit. You see, my cognition lost consciousness some hours ago, what a fucking bitch. Hence, in dumb stupid boredom I keep waiting, in this awake nightmare. The Sun rises, and I’m still in tears.
drops like paint brushes on my skin
hints of salt burn the edge of my lips
along with the stream of makeup – called waterproof
i can’t feel my heart, or my breath
but the blood pounding in my brain
tick, tock, tick, tock
time takes forever
as my thoughts go into labor
deliver ideas that surely die
tick, tock, tick, tock
time takes forever
as the 2nd generation ideas
steal my mind from my weak grasp
like a broken faucet whose water leaks
into a clogged sink bound to overflow
my eyes keep spilling water on this – my worn face
and it makes an escape not without burning first
(rewind) she’s a little gorgeous_confident_hilarious_very intelligent_fabulous_quite effervescent
she’s both good & evil_ purity&temptation_slave&dominatrix_both high&low_inside&out
from erotic vixen to porcelain doll_ suddenly silent_motionless_frozen expression_tears iced in her eyes
between moans, dark, candlelight, wetness and lingerie- he takes a closer look
a weak_vulnerable_paranoid_delusional_hostile_insane_ manicdepressive
she’s damaged goods, as worthy as yesterday’s news
she’s not so pretty, not as she looks
but she no longer hurts as much_for she has learned_sooner or later_it’s bound to happen anyway
When do I stop crying and start living once more?
It sure as hell isn’t now. Sadly so. Or maybe not.
All is transient. But it comes back! But it’s transient. But it always returns!
Shut_ the_fuck_ up! You. Idiot. Stupid. Fat. Bitches! Playing dominatrix here…
When does the arguing stop for once, just in time for a minute, or 2 of silence in here?
It’s transient and chronic and reocurring, among other things .
Yeah_and_it_took_you _this_long _to _see_it? Good. Luck. With. That.
My life has fallen in little shards of multicolored glass – scattered allovereverywhere
There is no painkiller, no escape route, no guidance – just a gathering of isolated windsofdesperation
My mind is drifting into a far away pocket of time-space – folding unto my stupidmanicdepressive brain
Introspectingdecodes some notes of such dissonance that plagues me
I’ve becomeawareof these types of self replicating and mutating sequential motions
My mind wanders in both funandterror inducing stages
Erratic –lacking so much cohesiveness-that it can’t be construed as a whole but an incompletemismatchedpuzzle
… until it wasn’t. Surprised? I’m not.
Fight or flight- who knows? ‘Cause I don’t know… yet.
Drifting from my hypomania as a growing abyss pushes us in opposite directions.
It won’t stop until one of us falls, and breaks…
perpetuating this cruel joke of life in manic depression.
in the midst of this constantly evolving, sometimes dormant- like a barely perceptible growl just slightly out of sync from my edgy periphery, yet right along the line of paranoia that raises the hairs from my skin, leaving me exposed, open, and vulnerable to the increasingly louder sound of this fear seducing, tear inducing, sight distorting- labyrinth with its sadistic whore hostess.
but this labyrinth isn’t circumscribed to a specific square footage -or other space-measuring unit- nor is it outside of me_ there is no fuckin’ escape_ it grows, shifts effortlessly, swallows every small and big thing in my world.
the whore that lives there is none other than well…..ME.