many people ask for happiness. better relationships with family, friends, significant other. a better job, ideally with better pay. a college degree in what they like, or some type of education. many want to travel, or pursue a sport or hobby. to buy more things, or maybe sell some. to take a break, to let go and relax a little.
me? the first one is not close to plausible, for a while at least. all the others (for now) are in the same predicament. and no, it’s not being negative, just acknowledging my reality, which is not the one of many.
that being said:
my ultimate wish is for life not to be so devastatingly painful right now. and if it’s gonna be that way, to not get mixed up with manic traits that i don’t know how to handle yet. i thought i had gone through bad dysphoric manias, but this one has earned itself another level of hell.
in fact, i would settle for just the paranoia and the anxiety attacks to slow down. and it’s not about being rational about it, or taking it easy. i have gone through this and educated myself enough to know it’s not real. however, that knowledge and positive self talk is rendered powerless by this, my chronic condition. it doesn’t stop my brain from sending the wrong current voltages to the wrong networks.
there is nothing else but tears and anger, painted by paranoia and framed in emptiness.
and silence. lots of it. there is no one else.