day that will never come – it seems (for the sake of not looking hopeless)

… a bottom beneath a low, under another bottom, yet beneath a low where i slowly move, despite the grip of inertia. then occasionally the pocket of time/space i occupy spits me out, propels me into the sky, where shortly thereafter i’m either blinded -by the light- or burned -by the scorching heat- inevitably resulting in my fall, building a lower bottom beneath the lowest low i knew -until that moment.

another piece within me breaks, pain threshold now higher, the voices in my head are startled, sudden silence. then -again- they start shouting all at once, my thoughts start racing but i can’t catch up, my body moves beyond my control. heart starts pounding, feeling weak, headache-ing into anxiety attack. yet again.

all courtesy of my fucked up brain. electricity fired in the wrong places, blackouts as well, impending chaos. yet with this neuroscience knowledge, the horrors within me don’t feel as horrific as the milder versions i went through a few years back. however, it is almost devastating to have tried so hard to not get to a that phase, like EVER; only to find yourself in a worse spot, under a better circumstance. in other words, i am feeling much worse, but managing considerably better : on the outside world plagued with ‘normals’.

In yet another radical acceptance ‘gestalt’ moment, I realized that the day this bipolar nightmare would recede to faint memories, and these demons tamed into mere ghosts, has been a serial NO SHOW – at this point, that is unlikely to change. the sands of time keep eroding me along with my youth, building a shoreline for the ocean i’ve cried and built.