Simple Vs. Me

Simple Thinking:

2+2 =4

My Line of Thinking:

2+2= 1+3= 3+1= 0.5+3.5= 1.5+2.5= 2.5 +1.5= 3.5+0.5…….

meanwhile- what units are these? why am I counting? what am I counting? why did they choose 2+2 to begin the exercise? am I taking it too far? why r people so slow?

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monochrome

off-key symphony in shades of white

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murdering the colors of my broken rainbow

tearing the sky open wide

horizon turned to death road

-monochrome-

once present, now vacant

all hope now gone

-monochrome-

off-key symphony in shades of pain

murdering this armor of inertia

the void taking hold

Silence

(sighs)

many people ask for happiness. better relationships with family, friends, significant other. a better job, ideally with better pay. a college degree in what they like, or some type of education. many want to travel, or pursue a sport or hobby. to buy more things, or maybe sell some. to take a break, to let go and relax a little.

me? the first one is not close to plausible, for a while at least. all the others (for now) are in the same predicament. and no, it’s not being negative, just acknowledging my reality, which is not the one of many.

that being said:

my ultimate wish is for life not to be so devastatingly painful right now. and if it’s gonna be that way, to not get mixed up with manic traits that i don’t know how to handle yet. i thought i had gone through bad dysphoric manias, but this one has earned itself another level of hell.

in fact, i would settle for just the paranoia and the anxiety attacks to slow down. and it’s not about being rational about it, or taking it easy. i have gone through this and educated myself enough to know it’s not real. however, that knowledge and positive self talk is rendered powerless by this, my chronic condition. it doesn’t stop my brain from sending the wrong current voltages to the wrong networks.

(cries)
there is nothing else but tears and anger, painted by paranoia and framed in emptiness.

and silence. lots of it. there is no one else.

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There is nothing!!!!!

…Positive or pretty to this torment

There is nothing! at the end of the storm

Half formed rainbow throws me into limbo.

There is nothing!

No love, no thoughts

No sunrise, no sunset

No beginning or end

There is nothing!

But exhaustion and pain

Fields of hopeless despair

Taken over by this, my madness

Destroyed before harvest

There is nothing good, no advantage

That is a nicely wrapped lie sometimes I believe.

A form of denial – Of this horror, Of this pain

Of an inner truth that has become far too real.

Hell, world frigid cold

Hell, my place to dwell.

grayscale

from CMYK to GRAYSCALE

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my inner universe and outer self turn to nothing but shades of gray with hues of senseless anger. my brain disconnects, the rest of me disengages from my surroundings, its people, myselves…

Great…

why is it getting harder to survive in this, my little invisible prison chamber? oh that’s right, i’m exhausted!!!! – of going against my own genetic mutations and their effects on my already damaged psyche. there is no escape route, and the exit sign is nonexistent. great. btw, i work in a few hours. yay- and by great i mean ‘fuck’

The beautifully treacherous path of my life & its diagnoses

1985 – I was born ^1991- Lots of turbulent times to endure. And a dysfunctional mother-daughter bond. ^1993- My 1st Diet. Lost 30 lbs. ^1995- Started starving myself. And a religion crisis.^2001- Dropped to 80 lbs. Anorexia paid off. Enter Bulimia.^2002- My parents made me see their psychiatrist.  He helped me.^2003- Graduated High School with Honors. Started College.

2004- Got diagnosed as Bipolar Type II. Started mood stabilizer. ^2005- Got diagnosed for Bulimia. Left my home, no more medical insurance.^2006- Finally allowed to see my psychiatrist. He said he would get me out of the depressive episode I was in. He did. He also said not to leave medication on my own.

2008 (March thru June) – Randomly left medication and stopped seeing my doctor in hypomanic grandeur. Graduated college Magna Cum Laude. Felt great until I didn’t anymore.

2008 (July thru October)- Started my fatal descent into rapid, then ultra rapid, then ultradian cycling. I had no clue it remotely existed. Had my 1st anxiety attack. No clue what it was then. Saw my doctor in October, whom I hadn’t seen in almost a year. I needed but refused medication.

2008 (November thru December)- I got worse. It didn’t fit the pop version of what Bipolar Disorder is. I was going totally insane. Had my first hallucination/sleep paralysis. Enter dysphoric manias, agitated depressions, depersonalization, and enough of a panic to start medication. I had no clue those even existed until my doctor showed me some resources that illustrated exactly what I was going though: ULTRADIAN CYCLING BIPOLAR. Started my 1st antipsychotic. Was barely sleeping.

2009- Started MFA out of state in January . Grew dangerously depressed. Stopped the antipsychotic. Almost committed suicide late April . Called my doctor a few desperate times. Returned home in May. Started trying to find medications that would better stabilize me. Intensity at least had decreased. And I was sleeping.^2010- Still looking for a helpful medication mix and failing to find it. Meanwhile, anxiety attacks more frequent. OCD issues started to surface. Erratic behaviors: decided to restart college online with hypomanic flair, and  to publish my poems…  I stopped all medication, thus sealing my fate. This time however, I wasn’t able to leave mood stabilizer.

2011 (January thru July)- I was desperate after approx 5 months of leaving meds. My book came out. My doctor told me I significantly met most criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and hence my reactions to some medications. I had my 1st not sleep related hallucination. I also got diagnosed as having Anxiety Disorder. Found out ADHD pill Adderall would help me more than any antidepressant or antipsychotic I had tried. But I had to take it every 4 hrs or I would crash badly.

2011 (August thru December) I didn’t go to college in the Fall. I experienced dysphoric mania and hostility like never before. I discovered new states I had no clue were within me. I started to ravenously educate myself about my illness, the human brain, and coping techniques. I barely slept, and always went to bed well past sunrise. Started pushing all people away because I was too unstable to handle any relationships.

2012- I suddenly stopped college approx in March without telling any college advisor, ruining my grades. The Adderall I was taking seemed to be pushing me beyond my usual hypomanias and anxiety attacks. Started Vyvanse. Currently, it has helped to start sleeping more consistently and go to bed earlier as well. My self education has helped me reach acceptance of my condition, and I continue to learn about it. I only have to take the pill once a day too.

Right this moment- I am worse than in 2008, but now I can manage better.

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The future looks like a long dark corridor with many twists and turns. However, I believe my eyes have adjusted enough to such extreme darkness and will help me find my way. If any pockets of light seep in, I’ve also learned staring at the light will make irrationality itself, the voice of reason.

That’s it for now. Long story short. Maybe not so short, but hey, it’s almost 27  years  on there.